Things you never hear at a 9-5 job

 Most jobs have rules, and guidelines that must be followed to a T. They care about things such as foul language, personal jokes, and vulgar topics. Backstage at an ice show it is slightly different. Of course there are lines that should not be crossed, and yet usually are... but when you are back stage almost fully naked in a co-ed dressing room you tend to get pretty comfortable pretty quickly. It is quite normal to compliment your friend on how cute their underwear is that day. You see lots of funny things, and hear things that people sitting behind a desk would never hear at work, or at the very least wouldn't get a slap on the wrist for saying such things. Here is a list of some of my favorite one liners said in the workplace that nobody seemed to think was unacceptable in any way shape or form, and made complete sense to the people who were hearing them. Good thing there is no HR office in ice shows.... or is there? SHHHHHHHHHHH


-I know how your going to die...Lets just say your going to choke on something
-Everyone is going to a rave right now, and I am going to Sea World to be a damn Penguin Wahhhhhhhh
-When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language
-I am going to McSlap the shit out of you
-Its almost midnight, when are you bringing the cupcakes
-Grandma got run over by my Facebook and then she died. Maybe if I wasn't such a whore on Facebook.... Grandma would still be alive
-Q: Do you watch American Horror Story A: It just feels so good to be a hero ya know?!?!
-MMMM Beer and Apple Jacks taste so good
-Sorry... I wasn't sure if I was going to yawn, burp, or throw up
-I could really go for a spork right now
-I wonder what 11AM looks like
-These shoes SCREAM free shots do they not?
-Age does not exist when your drunk
-I am pretty sure I am sleeping on a giant Lego
-That shirt SCREAMS I like it in the ass
-Things you NEVER want to hear in the hot tub... "I am still going to rape your sister"
-This tastes like chick peas and horse shit
-There is a Gremlin in my uterus
-Is that a mole on your face or a piece of chocolate?
-All I smell is BBQ and regrets
-Poptarts to you are what booze is to Shane
-Maybe you need a donut, and by donut I mean penis
-I am going to milk that squirt
-There are 7 buttons separating me from the toilet
-When you wank, you get wet
-I think the Mormonade is kicking in
-I was sober until I was 6, but then I turned 7
-Hey Phil, I can see your balls again
-Oh no, my underwear just ripped!
-Camel toes are for families too
-I saw a hole and I just went for it
-This is what happens when you give an anorexic skater a Martini
-You are the fattest skinny girl I have ever met!
-Lets compare buttholes
-Damn you Snoopy, what did you do with my cell phone?
-5 minute call for Fred the seagull's memorial service
-Oh no, you are Charlie Sheen again
-That is some serious butt Tar Tar you got there
-You have to determine the size of the hole before you can properly fix it
-Bike Shoe
-I speared my bill
-Get it Whoreman
-Is gnome your final answer?
-G-Damn you mother fucking lace! I mean......... oops
-Sometimes I like to be the big spoon
-Clam box, I love my clam box
-Does anybody want to play dance belt bingo today?
-If today was my last day, I would most likely go to a buffet
-I sang a song this morning about pasta sauce and a T-Rex
-When was the last time you ate?..... 1985
-Then, she grabbed my fur skin
-Fist pumps for freedom
-I am allergic to latex- Thank god you are Mormon
-Last night I threw up everything except my memories
-You are such a  Whore-asarus Rex


The list  continues for ages and ages, but these are just some of my favorites in recent contracts that come to mind. Now all of you who have to say Yes maam, Yes Sir, Good evening, Please, Thank you, Have a nice day in the workplace when all you want to say is Fuck off, Slut, Penis,whore, while looking at your friends butts and boobs all day.... be jealous haha ;)